Independent research and grad school life

Last week I hit the ground running as soon as I got back to Oxford... but that didn't really last long. Thursday I woke up super jet lagged and since I felt reasonably on top of everything, I took the day to do nothing.  Literally nothing.  I journaled a bit.  I binge watched Gilmore Girls.  I drank tea and ate chocolate and essentially spent the entire day being a lazy bum and it was fantastic.  I mean really fantastic in a way that I can't even communicate via this blog.

Friday I figured I should maybe be a bit more productive.  I took a 5 mile run (I'm ridiculously slow, but at least I am building up my stamina), I read lots of Donna Haraway (When Species Meet was what I was reading, though I still really need to read The Companion Species Manifesto as well), and I also did a bit of writing and ran to the store with Katherine.  That evening I helped bake a peach cobbler with Todd to surprise Brittany with that night (Saturday was her birthday but a group of friends was going to surprise her after her bartending shift on Friday night).

I always see things to stop and take pictures of on my run... these sheep live in a field across from our house!

This is a little lane right down the street from our house- so pretty!

On the way to the store with Katherine, the little ladybug decided to decorate her hair clip.

Friday was also Halloween and during the baking of the peach cobbler, we had trick-or-treaters.  We hadn't anticipated any- Halloween isn't quite as big here and we live in this tiny old village, but we had one group... and no candy.  We were all rooting around and looking for things to give them to no avail.  We finally just had to apologize and send them on their way, which I think makes us poor cultural representations of how Americans generally celebrate Halloween.

Also while baking peach cobbler, Andreas arrived!  He came to celebrate Brittany's birthday- but since we were surprising her later than night, he came to hang out first.  Finally, we all headed into town (with our peach cobbler) to meet up with friends outside the college bar where Brittany bar-tends and then were going to walk in singing with her cake.... only when we got there, two of our friends were there already and had been kicked out.  The Porter (a porter is a person on duty who takes care of pretty much everything from security and lost keys to sign up sheets and providing air pumps for flat tires at each college)- anyway, the porter had gotten really mad that they were trying to "sneak into the college" (they tried to just walk in behind a member of the college) and the porter kicked them out.  We tried to reason with him- we were all sober and carrying a cake (okay, cobbler, but with candles!) and we even had a member of her college come vouch for us... to no avail.  He threatened to call security on us and was really mean, so we obnoxiously hovered outside the college door and waved at him every time some one came in or out.  Mature, I know, but he completely ruined our surprise and very much overreacted (I understand not wanting people to sneak in but I feel like after explaining the situation AND having someone from inside the college come to vouch for us he was being a little ridiculous).

Anyway, Brittany finally finished work and came out and we sang, and then we headed to a pub since we werent allowed in St. Cross College even with Brittany b/c we'd made the guy so mad (might have been the waving? hah.)  We went to the Royal Oak and sat outside in their heated patio area and ate cobbler (the bar was so nice about letting us bring it in and even supplied us with plates and forks!) and each had a drink and then we headed home... i even made my first (but definitely not last) stop of the year at a kebab van for falafel and chips.  So good.  Then it was home, and bed.

Saturday I got up, took a run, ran some errands in town and then started prepping for Brittany's actual birthday celebration that night.  Merry (one of my roommates who also runs cross country with Brittany) had invited some cross country girls over to celebrate and then me, Katherine, Todd and of course Merry were all there too.  We each made something- and the cross country girls all brought something too and we had a feast: a delicious curry pumpkin soup, a green salad, a cabbage salad with quinoa and sunflower seeds, grapes, chips and hummus, a tahini and onion dip, a pasta dish, and an apple crumb cake for dessert (which I will be making again because it was absolutely amazing).   We ate a delicious dinner and then played extreme pictionary and cards against humanity and just had a nice evening in playing games and relaxing.

Sunday morning I woke up, read a bit, and then headed off to London to hang out with Andreas for the day.  He's working there for the UK Civil Service and even though he's come to visit me/others in Oxford several times, I've yet to go see his new place in London.  Being the klutz that I am, I managed to stand up extremely quickly when trying to get off the bus at Victoria Station to meet up with him and crack my head.  I mean hard.  Hard enough that I saw stars/everything went black and I had to sit back down.  I soon developed a huge knot on my head and was dizzy with a headache the rest of the day, but seeing as how it was the stupidest way to hurt myself ever, I wasn't going to let it ruin my day.

Andreas and I met up at Victoria Station and stopped into a store to pick up some food for lunch.  We got veggies to roast, haloumi cheese to grill up, and a fresh baguette and then headed back to his place to prepare food.  Lunch was amazing and I love Andreas' apartment.  It isn't quite as big as my place in Praha (the kitchen and living areas are smaller) but the general style, and the 2 bedroom 2 bathroom (rare here!) and just modern finishes were SO nice.  I love where I live this year, but despite being only 10 years old, we have a spider infestation, our roof leaks, our hot water broke, etc etc and Andreas' place is just so.... clean, and new and wonderful.  It feels so homey and nice and not at all drafty.  We also got to see fireworks over the Thames from his apartment window.  And we watched several episodes of Gilmore Girls before baking a buttermilk pie.  No one here has ever even HEARD of buttermilk pie but I am happy to say that it was a huge hit.  After pie baking and eating, it was time to head back to Oxford.

Monday was a quiet day.  I did a six mile run and then just worked on my dissertation as well as reading for pleasure a bit and listening to some music.  I don't think other than my run I even left the house, which seems to be a bad habit on days that i don't have anything concrete to do... but I DID run six miles and I saw some gorgeous things in our neighborhood, so I'm okay with that.  I also got this wild idea that I want to fly to Portugal in the next few weeks.  The weather is still pretty nice there and I've always wanted to go and it's not the peak season so everything is really cheap and it just seems... ideal.  But I also worry about things going on back home and so I did all the research but am waiting to book things until a bit closer to.

More scenes from various runs- the horses is a field not far from our house

More scenes from various runs- cycle and running path in the park in Old Marston

More scenes from various runs- little church in our neighborhood

More scenes from various runs- Pond's Lane- one of my favorite streets in Old Marston

Tuesday I did more reading/writing.  it was cold and pouring rain so I was happy to have things to read and write at the house, but then I started to go a bit stir crazy.  I decided I would cycle into town and hang out a bit.  I met up with Katherine and we tried to go boot shopping for me but everything was either crazy expensive or they didnt carry my size.  Still, it was nice to just be out and about in Oxford.  After striking out on boots, we went and got tea and just relaxed and caught up.  It's nice to still have close friends in Oxford and I am extremely grateful for Katherine's perceptiveness and company.  After tea, Katherine had a birthday dinner to get to, so I headed to the store to pick up a few groceries and then cycled home.  It was cold.  Really cold.  And then it started raining.  It was NOT a fun cycle home.  Still, once I got home, it was so nice to fix a cup of tea and a nice dinner and get warm.  The one thing I really wish our house had is a fireplace.  I feel like curling up in front of it would just be perfection.  Something to put on the wish list for the home I will never be able to rent/buy/afford because my student loans will have me living in a box from now until eternity.

Wednesday morning I had class.  It was good, though I didn't enjoy the lecture topic/focus quite as much this week, I still thought it was a good lecture and I really like the lecturer (he invited our class to have drinks with him next week which I always feel like is a good sign and means the professor really wants to get to know us and is invested in talking with us about our own interests and how those might relate to the class).  I also talked a bit with some of this year's first year NSEPers and it was fun to meet "the next generation" and see their cohort forming.

After class I needed to get some work done (that is pretty much the story of my life/being a grad student) and so I headed to the new Weston Library (previous called the New Bodleian) which has been under construction since I very first moved to Oxford in Oct. of 2013.  It houses a good many rare manuscripts and books, so you have to store your backpack, pens, highlighters, etc in a locker and put all your books/computer/charger in a clear, plastic tote bag before entering AND scan in with your university id and then show it again to a guard who records all your information before you enter.  That's probably good overall, but i was reading my own books and missed my pen and highlighter.  Still, the views were absolutely worth it.  The library is positioned perfectly across from the Sheldonian Theatre and you can also see the Radcam and several other gorgeous buildings.  It's so pretty!  It's moments like sitting in there that sometimes I still can't believe that I am here, at Oxford, as a "scholar" of some sort... the whole thing just seems ludicrous... and yet, it is also in those moments that I feel the most like "an oxford student" with my books and studying in this gorgeous library with rare manuscripts.

Despite being beautiful, the library was cold, and after a few hours, I decided that food and warmth were called for.  I grabbed take-away lunch from my favorite spot in oxford and then cycled home to get warm and eat.  That afternoon it was just more work and then I took a run and then back to reading and writing.

Moon rising as I finished my Wednesday evening run

Wednesday night I spent time checking out the election results from the U.S. (I'd glanced at the GA ones that morning but hadn't really looked at anything overall) and I have to say I am sad.  I will not claim foul play or conspiracy or blame anyone for gas prices or even compare anyone to the devil, or hitler, or claim that they are out to destroy our country.  As much as I disagree with many of the people who were elected, I believe that they likely believe in what they are doing (I DO think that some politicians,  in both parties, are corrupt but I also think that many politicians agree strongly with how they vote/what they stand for).  Still, while I will make none of those accusations, I am sad that things turned out the way they did.  As a woman, I am sad to have more people who would vote against my worth in terms of equal pay and access to medicine and proper care (such as contraceptives and paid maternity leave so that I can one day balance a job AND a family AND I can decide when to have that family).  I am sad that people were elected who are pro-life, especially those who are not pro-sex education, or pro welfare or SNAP (food stamps) or social programs and things that might actually improve life for those who struggle.  I am sad that many of my dear friends will face an even harder fight for the right not only to get married, but to visit their life partner in the hospital, or to have legal shared custody of kids they raised together should something terrible happen.  I am sad that I am looking at more shootings and less politicians agreeing that there needs to be gun management, licensing, and yes, control, in the same way our government controls who can drive a car, or drink alcohol, or even vote.  I do not want to start a political debate and I know many of my relatives and friends who read this will strongly disagree, and it may anger them... and that makes me sad, too.  As a feminist, as an LGBT ally, as a person, I am sad.  But I will trust in democracy.  I will trust that a system of checks and balances exist.  I will trust that although I see this as a step back for our country, that we will again move forward.

Today, I spent the morning reading and writing and then had a meeting with Jamie, my dissertation supervisor, to talk about my new topic (What Makes an Animal Edible?  The octopus: a case study) and I think it went.... decently.  I didn't have as much written as I had hoped to, and then I sent him the wrong paper and that was all a bit of a mess, but I was able to lay out a timeline and a vision for the project and i think it was clear from our conversation that I've really read a lot on the subject and am ready to keep moving forward, so that was all solid.

After my meeting I met up with Alex, another NSEPer from last year who is doing the MPhil, two year program.  We had a really nice time catching up and hearing about each others' summer and work and also just expressing some frustrations that we have with Oxford/being grad students/life at the moment.  She suggested that we start having "Wine and whine" sessions where we can all talk about how terrible our research is/the process is while drinking wine and catching up.  Personally, I am a big fan of the idea.

Since then, I've been sitting in the department writing this and reading a bit and then I am getting drinks with some of the new NSEPers and some of last year's NSEPers which should be fun.

This weekend is graduation for the people who did the one year version of NSEP and so many people will be in town.  I got to see Lisa F. briefly today and I know that so many people will be back (Andreas, Dennis, Rob, Liza L, Lisa F, Cato, Ole, Sophie, Gabrielle, Anna, Daniel, and possibly more) .  Friday night I think the plan is to reunion at Freud and then on Saturday we reserved a room in the Kings Arms for our group.  We're going to have a super full house all weekend, but especially Saturday night.  Merry is going to stay with a friend, but it will still be me, Brittany, Todd, Katherine, Louis, Louis' brother, Andreas, Andreas' sister, Cato, Dennis and Rob.  Should be a really fun time and make for one of our up all night after parties.

Still, this year feels different from last year- the work is much more independent and maybe a bit... lonely feeling.  There are people to work with, as in... sit beside and read/write, but no one who is doing the same topic or reading the same things and it feels a lot more independent and less like school and a bit more like a job.  Last year I was happy, excited even, to regularly stay out all night and it was like I didn't want to miss a moment of anything fun happening in Oxford, but this year is quieter, and while I am enjoying more regular sleep and a more structured schedule, I miss the camaraderie and the fun and the being able to do the same readings and discuss and engage and debate... there was always someone to talk through ideas with or to just complain about Latour with (who I think we all eventually came to love).

If I'm being honest, this year is a bit frustrating work wise, because I'm not entirely sure what I am working on (I have a topic but I think my advisor and I think very differently and every time I start writing it is very clearly not what he had in mind....).  I think I feel frustrated with that and frustrated by realizations that academia isn't for me and that I've poured all this time and money and effort into this and now feel a bit let down by my research.  That said, last year at Oxford was one of the best year's of my life, and I have no regrets coming here- it's been an amazing experience and I've made life long friends and I think that maybe I was expecting this year to be more like last year which just contributes to the feeling of disappointment and frustration.  I'm trying to keep in perspective that this is an amazing opportunity and I am working with some amazing scholars on some interesting topics, and I really am enjoying the one class I have to take this term, and for now, that's just going to have to be enough.