I've seen some really troubling posts about the killings of Michael Brown and Eric Garner. I've also seen some posts that aren't intentionally hurtful, but claim that this is not a race issue. And I've seen some that are intentionally hateful and hurtful ones, telling us to "get over it" or that these criminals "got what they deserved." People have called protesters (not just the looters, but peaceful, constitutionally protected protesters) "worthless" and "jobless". But this is not the only hate I've seen. I've seen unintentional racism not being educated but people being belittled and judged. I have seen hate on both sides. I have seen people being called racists for saying that the jury was right not to indict (in either or both cases) and others people called unpatriotic, ungrateful, police haters when they feel like these instances should have been brought to trial.
I want to make clear that I don't think those who believe the police acted within their rights are automatically racists, nor do I think the people who wanted full trials to ensure that justice was played out are police haters or unaware of the safety and security that many hard working officers offer us on a routine basis. These are tough situations. Two men are dead. Say what you want about these men as people... I did not know them, but most of the people posting about them probably didn't either... they are all baseless judgments that cannot reflect the fullness of one's life or the small moments of love exchanged with their parents, friends, or partners. Their punishment: death, does not fit their crimes. In the Michael Brown case, no one really knows what happened- even those who were there may interpret the events very differently- after all, often there is not one Truth, but many versions of the same truths. But isn't that what a full trial is for? To try to untangle the web and make sure that justice is served?
Regardless of what happened that day, my heart breaks for Michael Brown's family and friends. My heart also breaks for Darren Wilson. If I believe in his humanity, and I have to, I believe that killing someone, the attention, the name calling, has destroyed a part of his life as well. I have to believe that regardless of what he told the court and tells himself, in the back of his mind there has to be a voice that questions if deadly force was necessary, if maybe, just maybe, he did not shoot Michael Brown multiple times because he feared him in a way that he wouldn't have feared a white man. Some will say I've not given him enough credit, others will say I've given him too much. Either way, Michael Brown's life was taken too soon and that is a tragedy. And just as I grieve for Darren Wilson, I am allowed to grieve the life of a boy that I have seen so many people say simply got what he deserved. Many of the people saying that are people I went to school with... people I know occasionally shoplifted, ran from cops when parties got broken up, sold or did illegal drugs, drank underage, etc. Yet, they feel very much that they still have a right to life while they feel that Michael Brown did not. They say it is because he was a criminal. A "thug". I think unconsciously what they mean is that it is because he was a black criminal. It is because he was looked how he looked and dressed how he was dressed and not how they looked and dressed in high school when they ran from a police officer or stole a 6-pack of beer.
But I do not think that they realize this. I know they would never consider themselves racist. But racism is not only hatred towards someone because of the color of their skin, it is also the small nudges from society that systematically tell us that we should fear or judge someone because of how they look, or how they dress, in a way that may never directly teach us hate, but instead, instills contempt or fear.
In Eric Garners case, it seems even more infuriating. There is no questioning whether or not the officer could have reasonably feared for his life. There is no question over what actually happened. There is a video that shows it all. A video I forced myself to watch, knowing that I would hate what I was seeing. That video... asking for help, saying he couldn't breathe. Untaxed cigarettes. He died over untaxed cigarettes. He was sprawled on the ground, unconscious, and ignored, no longer a threat. Before that he struggled. Of course he did. Before the chokehold he gestured and denied wrong doing, but he never struck out, never acted like there was even a remote possibility that he was going to run, or become violent, instead, he said "don't touch me" and an officer put him in a choke hold... I struggle when I can't breathe. Hell, I struggle when I'm tickled. I think any amount of struggling once the chokehold was used is irrelevant. Do I think Daniel Pantaleo meant to kill Eric Garner? No. But do I still think he used excessive force? Yes. Do I think race played a factor in how quickly the situation escalated? Yes. I can even believe that the officers felt threatened... that they were scared... but they likely felt that fear less out of reason and more because Eric Garner was a big, black man, and we are taught that that is bad, that it is scary until we internalize it.
Regardless of whether or not you think race played a role in these specific cases, the reality is that race very much plays a role in how likely you are to go to prison, and your perception of police officers. Race matters in the justice system... and I for one think that's not really justice.
I think very few of us are willing to say, "I am racist." No one wants to be prejudiced and very few people would say that they are. When I started university, I didn't consider myself prejudiced, or ignorant, but after taking a gender studies class, I realized I had a long way to go before I could consider myself un-prejudiced or socially conscious. This is not easy for me to say. Not easy to admit. But it is true. In the class, we lined up against one wall and we were asked to take one step forward each time the teacher read a statement that directly applied to us.
- "I have never been followed by a shopkeeper who thought I might shoplift"
- "If I've been pulled over for speeding, at least once I've received a warning rather than a ticket."
- "If I've been pulled over for speeding, I've never had the car searched as a result."
- "A police officer I don't know has approached me to see if I am okay at some point in my life"
- "I would feel safe approaching a police officer to ask for help regardless of the situation"
- "I have never been stopped and/or frisked by a cop"
- "No one has ever suggested that I earned my spot at this school because of my race."
The list went on and on and one. By the end, most white students were on one side of the room, most asian/indian/middle eastern students were spread throughout the middle, and most black students were still against the wall where we started. I remember feeling so... ignorant and thinking "so this is white privilege". I felt so selfish that I had never listened to people who had experienced prejudice. I knew racism existed, but I'd seen it in people who wouldn't date someone of another race, people who openly thought less of people who were different. But I hadn't noticed the hundred little ways in which racism creeps into the systems of people who might genuinely strive to love his neighbor (black or white) as himself.
And even now I realize I have so much to learn. Learning is born from a continuous confession that "I don't know." I accept this. And I now accept that racism is more commonly propagated through small injustices and ignorance than through violence or hate. But it is through those small injustices and ignorance that we come to believe certain acts of violence are justifiable.
I want to encourage other people who have grown up with white privilege to stop being defensive. No one wants to discredit you. No one wants to take away what you have earned or somehow make it less. You might be a good person, a person who has struggled, and worked hard, accomplished many things, and overcome many hardships, but that doesn't mean you haven't had advantages because of your race that others have not. Don't get defensive. We are all learning. This is a slow and painful process.
It is time we all accept that racism is not just a few evil people who consciously want to hurt someone because he/she is a different race. Racism is the system that tells us to fear the big black man on the sidewalk, because he is big and black. It is the system that tells us that a group of loud black youth is up to no good but a group of loud white youth are simply kids out having a good time. Accepting this means accepting that yes, #alllivesmatter but recognizing that since (the majority of) white lives already matter, we live in a world where the hashtag #blacklivesmatter is necessary to point it out.
It has been hard to write this because race is a hard topic. I know I have propagated racisim through some of my words, assumptions, etc. I am grateful for my friends, white and black and brown and any other color, who throughout the years have taught me how to be more socially conscious and aware.
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